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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Move over WFW. I'm moving

Yes. Yes I am.
Sorry to disappoint but there will be no Wacky Fashion Wednesday today.
Oh, but why? Eh, we're moving. I forgot to mention it. Probably because we're only moving 100 yds away... into another trailer. Ugh. I am SO sick of trailer life. But as long as my husband is landlord and housing is free, I'm stuck here. We're moving into a three bedroom trailer with a WAY better layout and STORAGE!
Now I am pretty darn excited about that but let's face it, moving just plain sucks.
My mom's Aunt Louise (on the right ca. early 60s) has been put in the nursing home recently so all the nieces and nephews have been cleaning out the apartment she lived in for over 30 years.She was a party animal. She smoked cigarettes and weed and cooked terribly greasy soul food everyday in that tiny space. There is a gross film coating everything in that place and the smell attached to her belongings is unbelievable.
I haven't been in that apartment in about 15 years because 
#1 Aunt Louise scared the hell out of me. She was loud and mean.
#2 The smell and grime
#3 The roaches
#4 She lived in the ghetto
 These stinky, sticky but awesome goods have been passed on to me... or rather I picked them out myself out of the things my mother salvaged and thought I would like. 
Yes isn't this a beautiful vintage ice bucket?
Open it up and it smells like Satan's morning breath in there.
 Now, this dish belongs to me, I just wanted to share how bummed I am about it's current condition and how I am even more bummed that the super glue went missing the day I discovered this. I have no idea how it got broken. It just sat on the table and caught keys, loose buttons and receipts. How the hell did it break in half??
 We're taking our time moving since we don't really need to be out until the 5th so the house has been in a constant state of disarray for the past week. 
Now lemme tell you a a horrific but kinda funny story about Aunt Louise.
 Pay attention:
A long, long time ago after a long day of work Aunt Louise's husband (don't know his name I'll call him Jim) came home and lay down on her giant heirloom four post bed fully clothed (he was a mechanic). 
When she discovered him laying down on her fresh white bedspread she said:
Get off my white bedspread.
JIM: I'm tired. I just wanna to rest a minute.
LOUISE: I said, get off my white bedspread. You're dirty.
JIM: Woman, I'm tired!
Aunt Louise leaves the room and returns with a pistol.
Two shots later... that bedspread wasn't white any more... if you know what I mean...
True story.
(EDIT: She didn't kill him...and she didn't go to jail either... don't ask. Don't ask.)
 My fear of Aunt Louise was very understandable don't you think?
She's been stabbed, shot, cursed like sailor and drank like a fish and I clearly remember her wearing a blue leopard print cat suit to a family reunion when she was in her 70s. She was a true badass.

Here's my new gown. Since I can't sew and I'm cheap as heck I got this gown because it was the only affordable one in my size on Etsy. I'm going to bling it out hardcore and my $7 (!) hoop skirt I found online is on it's way. I really want to dye it dark green but I don't wanna take the risk of ruining it since it's all synthetic materials.
  Blinging to commence as soon as we move and get settled in. I'm super excited!
This is the gown in shop, the color in the photo below was waaay off but I like this beige way better. What do you think?

Thursday, July 25, 2013

unicorns are for gangstas

Today after lunch with a new friend I decided to take advantage of the rare occasion of having a vehicle and went to Target for a little clearance rack raping.
 I got this great floral print hi-lo dress for about $12. I rarely pay that much for a dress but the dress is very light and it's dang hot here. I don't do fashion trends but the ho-lo is a trend I really dig. I've been looking for an affordable hi-lo forever and this one was the only hi-lo there and it was my size... I'm pretty sure it was meant to be.
Sorry about the one blurred photo. A ghost walked through in front of the camera.
No worries. He doesn't bite.
 I also got this dress for $6. The material is pretty heavy so I'll probably only be able to wear it when the sun has long since gone down. I looooove me some stripes and this will be great for the fall.
In town we have a store called the Dollar Tree. Everything in there is a dollar. No more, no less. It's impossible to go into the Dollar Tree without coming out with bags full of completely random stuff. Since we have no used book stores in town the Dollar Tree is THE spot to get new books for... you guessed it: one dollar. Most of these are new releases and I have no idea why they're only one dollar. Overstock? Typos?
 I got the top four books yesterday and the bottom four I got last month. I've only finished one of the books (A Gentle Axe) and I'm currently reading A Separate Country. As you can see from the covers of the books, I mostly read historical fiction.
I also found these fun and colorful wall hangers at the Dollar Tree along with baby socks, stuff for a fairy costume I'm working on, nail files, nail polish and a bunch of other crap I don't need.
Are you a Dollar Store Whore like me?
We discovered someone hit my car yesterday. I'm not sure exactly when or how and I'm not even mad about it but the offender could have at least scribbled out a little note on the back of an old receipt that said, "Sorry I hit your car. I didn't feel like waiting for you so I left. Here's a note."
Has this ever happened to you?
Me? This is like the fifth time over the past ten years.

Monday, July 22, 2013

rock, paper, scissors, alligator, spider, dynamite

 Saturday me and my boys went to Shreveport for a little outing. It was great but it all got started off sitting in the parking lot of Academy Sports for almost and hour. My husband needed to meet up with a guy to buy a gun from him for his friend but the two men's attempt at arranging the meeting was pretty poor. That's what happens when you try arrange something like this all through Facebook instead of using the old fashioned method of exchanging phone numbers. So we waited and waited and waited...
To pass the time we played "rock, paper, scissor, alligator, spider, dynamite (featuring Abe Lincoln)" and sang along to the Producers soundtrack. While waiting I saw a hot air balloon for the first time in my life floating across the sky all majestic and... floaty...  I was super excited.
Oh yeah, I also gave myself a weird Sharpie tattoo during the wait.
After the gun swap we moved on to the Shreveport Boardwalk for a little bit of food and shopping.We went into the massive Bass Pro Shop in search of a steakhouse restaurant that we later found has been converted into a Sonic fast food restaurant for some strange reason.
One side of the elevator in the store is glass so you're greeted by this little fellow when you go up and giant ugly lake fish when you go down.
By now we're starving and there was an hour wait at Joe's Crab Shack... as well as darn near every restaurant there.
We decided to go Italian since there wasn't a seating wait. The restaurant turned out to be buffet style with some of the most mediocre pizza and pasta I've ever had. No wonder no one was in there. I say mediocre... let's face it- the food sucked.
After choking down crappy fettuccine alfredo and mushy shrimp we headed to the Oshkosh store to find River some new clothes. By the way, he just turned six months and weighs about 20 lbs so his clothing selection is pretty slim at home. He can wear up to 18 month clothes now. When we go out in public people always ask his age and when we tell them they look at us like, "Really? You sure?" 
Yes. He's big. No fat. Just big.
The Oshkosh store was having a killer sale and it also has a way better selection of baby clothes than any of the stores here. No stupid puppies playing baseball or frogs on skateboards! Just good cute clothes. I got him four new pieces for $11.
 We then went to the Earthbound Trading Company and I scored this incense burner, incense matches, an elephant ring holder and two letter "Zs" for about $8.
I have no idea what I'm going to do with the Zs.... I just couldn't pass them up for less than a dollar each.
On the way out we saw two teenage girls freaking out and saying, "what was that?! It scared me! Some kind of beetle thing!" I looked down and stopped my husband just as he was about to squish this demonic looking massive roach thing with the wheels of the stroller.  Even with my husband's hand in the shot for size comparison, you can't really tell how enormous that thing was. I'm not afraid of bugs at all, in fact I kind of like them but that thing was a little too big and too ugly for my taste.
Have you seen this kind of bug? What on earth is it?!?!
So how was your weekend??

Saturday, July 20, 2013

lights, camera, action, awkward

  I have a theory that everyone in the world will appear on television at least once in their lives. Well, I know that this is impossible but I don't think I'm too far off on the thought.
Have you ever seen a news report on a new study on obesity? They film fat people walking down the street and just crop their heads out of the shot so that the fatty can remain "anonymous"? 
That could have been you... or me...
Have you ever seen the news crew out to film the opening of a bank or grocery store or something like that? Well, if you saw them, they probably saw you too.
See? It's that easy. Whether you know it or not, you've probably already been on television.
You're a star.
 Tuesday I made my first ever TV appearance - and no I wasn't filmed from the neck down eating a Big Mac and drinking a diet coke. I was interviewed about my Renaissance Faire on a local talk show called Heart to Heart on KLFI TV channel 10.
I wasn't nervous about the interview at all. I'm an "oh well" kinda person. I knew that if I screwed up and made myself look like an idiot: "Eh, oh well. What's done is done. Nothing I can do about it now so no use in crying about it."
The interview went well , the questions were nice and easy but there was one thing that I hated about the whole thing: the way I had to sit to be seen by both cameras.
My massive diddies were sitting in my lap.
Don't act like you didn't notice. Go ahead. Stare. It's ok, I understand. They're huge.
BAHAHAHA!! Now you can't stop looking at them! You're trapped!
 I'm not sure when the show airs but I think they'll post it on YouTube or Vimeo when it's time. I'm hoping to use the video as part of my resume so I can get that news anchor job I'm been lusting after for years.
I am one sexy and articulate hussie.
Total news anchor material.
(I don't really wanna be a news anchor but I've been told several times that I'm cut out for it. So if the opportunity arises, I probably wouldn't turn it down.)
 For the interview I wore one of my "tone it down when you go to church" outfits: A top recently purchased at Goodwill and a hand me down maxi skirt... and of course my new giant blinged out arachnid.
Have you ever been on television? Share m'ladies! Share!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Wacky Fashion Wednesday (oops on Thursday)

It's been a couple of weeks since my last WFW post. Since I'm a housewife and my own boss I don't have anywhere to be or anyone to report to so I don't really keep up with the days of the week. I often times miss that it's time to do what I do best: Look stupid and feel good about it.
Today's look is:
"Oh, the Brows"

In the middle of this project I ran out of eyeliner so I grabbed my backup pencil aaaand it wouldn't sharpen because both the pencil and the sharpener are crap. I managed to use the last bit of kohl to scrub these straight-line babies on. 
Honestly, I think that's how it's supposed to be done.
These are my favorites!
Too bad I couldn't get around to re-creating these dotted beauties.
Well now that I think about it, I think perhaps she's bad at doing her brows so she had them tattooed on like this so she can just connect the dots.
So what about no brows?
So what about your brows? Do you fill them in? Draw them on? Shave them off? Tattoo? Pluck? Wax? Share! Share!
Me personally? I use Pic Monkey.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

the caveman barks at night

This week has been filled with nothing but faire work. Promoting, planning, organizing, freaking out... from the moment I wake up all the way until time to go to bed. Fair, faire, faire. 
Today, I knew I was reaching my snapping point when I almost threw my computer across the room because I couldn't get the words to line up just right on a flyer I was designing for a beard and moustache competition I'm hosting next month. I need to chill out.
Sushi time.
 So me and the Husband and little one went to Osaka's for a bit of sushi and sake. I rarely get to leave the house these days since we're down to one vehicle at the moment so getting out was soooo nice.
For sushi-time I wore a sheer hand-me-down dress over a tribal print tank dress. I loved how the print of the tank can be seen through the floral pattern of the dress. I've had this dress forever and it was one of my go-to maternity dresses, but I've never thought of wearing it over something with print until now. Plus this is the first time I've ever worn the dress it without legging. It's too dang hot. I'll break into a sweat just thinking about putting leggings on.

  Now. Let's get random.
These photos have been sitting in my "blogging to-do folder" for a few weeks.
A couple of weeks ago River got to see his Grandaddy for the first time since he was born! See, my little sister is autistic and has developed a severe phobia of babies over the past year so my dad has only seen River through cell phone photos because we can't bring him around. Also my father is on a lot of different medications that sometimes make him very drowsy so he has trouble travelling long distances (we live almost two hours apart). But he made it!
Scrambled eggs with spinach and kale, leftover salmon and a squishy-ass Walmart avocado.
The paleo-ing is going very well. Kicking off carbs, sugar and processed foods has been surprisingly easy for me... but I am having trouble letting go of one thing... my beloved imported beers. I hear tale that it's ok to  go for gluten free beer when you're going paleo... but- but... IT'S NOT THE SAME!!!
Random, random, random.
Here's a photo of my great-grandmother (Dad's grandmother). Wasn't she pretty?!? I think I have her eyes.
Spinning the random wheel! It lands on.... River's baptism.
Since River had long since outgrew his original baptism outfit  I was in a slight panic over what he was going to wear. I found this adorable classic style romper at a consignment shop for $8 and I was sold! It's so adorable! Yeah, yeah, yeah I know it isn't the typical infant baptism outfit with the satin and ribbons and bonnet and lacey boo boo blah- but I just couldn't see myself spending $100 on something he's only going to wear for five minutes...
 And last but not least: our pathetic attempts at taking a decent family portrait afterwards.
I hope you all are having a great weekend. Now I'm off to finish my nightcap... um...paleo gin...
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