cigarettes and chocolate milk

Cigarettes and chocolate milk

These are just a couple of my cravings

Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger

A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans

Have to eat them all in just one sitting

Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter

A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things

Which for several reasons we won't mention

Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder

A little bit deadly

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright from the album Poses

I don't smoke cigarettes any more but I do enjoy a cigarillo every now and then and I'm not fond of chocolate milk and I hate jelly beans. The song above is pretty irrelevant to me and this post but it's been stuck in my head all morning for some weird reason.

Fun fact about me and Rufus Wainwright -  I had the biggest crush on him when I was in high school and after I graduated. I'm talking obsessed, folks. I thought he was the most beautiful and most talented man ever and I couldn't wait until I turned 18 so I could run away and go find him somewhere in Canada or New York and steal his heart. 

Needless to say I was absolutely devastated when someone broke the news to me that was gay.

"No! He's not gay! He just hasn't met the right woman!" I sobbed - "He hasn't met ME!"

I think he was my first and only celebrity crush. His gayness ruined me and I vowed never to fall for another celeb- I just couldn't bear having my heart broken again.

I think it's pretty funny that while other teen girls my age were giggling over Justin Timberlake, the Hanson brothers and Leonardo Dicaprio I was pining over a gay musician. 

Ok, my crush wasn't THAT bad, but I did have a few fantasies about turning him straight and getting hitched and having beautiful musical babies -  because, you know,  that's totally how that works right?

Have you ever had a celebrity crush??

All jewelry and accessories (except necklace) 99 cent buys

Necklace - Ebay

Dress - Old Navy clearance

New (to me) red boots - handmedowns

 

hard apple cider and fried chicken

  

THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY

(Well, anything is true if you believe hard enough... no it's not... yes it is... not.)

Yesterday we all went out to a restaurant that sells exotic burgers. On the menu were burgers made of copperhead, sparrow, politician, sea cucumber and lemur just to name a few.

I went the safe route and chose the "Tears of an Misguided Teenager" burger and boy was is delicious. Tasted an awful lot like mushroom Swiss but I've had a cold so everything taste  a little odd these days.

While at the restaurant I slipped on a puddle of urine left there by the head chef as a gesture of goodwill and friendship. I fell and landed on a five inch spike that went right through my ear lobe. It left the most  beautiful hole -  like the one in my soul - and so I adorned it with various metals from the motherland. 

During our meal my husband told me about the tours customers can take of the kitchen. Boy, did this excite me. Back in the kitchen we were shown their amazing selection of meats and treats. My son was hellbent on eating a fresh guinea pig so he reached his chubby little hand into the cage, picked out a nice fluffy one and ate him whole. Fur and all.

This morning as we got ready for our morning confession rituals and virgin sacrifice I decided to wear the same outfit  from the day before which was a terrible idea considering I haven't bathed in a week - but hey, everyone loves the smell of their own brand, right?

 

I went blind during this photo session but I'm ok now. My eyes grew back.

And then I killed a gypsy witch and stole her boots.

REAL STORY

Yesterday we went to Smash Burger and then to  PetSmart to look at stuff because we were all dressed up with nowhere to go. We were supposed to go to our town's second attempt at an Oktoberfest (rescheduled to November due to storms) but we discovered they decided to charge admission at the last minute. That means we would have to pay $30 to go to in to spend money.  Admission was never mentioned on any advertising, Facebook, flyers, articles, nothing. I know because I helped promote it! As an event planner, I'm gonna tell you that that's rubbish and baaaaad business. 

Moving on

My aunt recently handed down to me a butt load of clothes and sweet boots, including these beaded metallic beauties and the studded ones above. 

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And with all that being said, it was actually easier to make up a story than it was to tell the truth.

That speaks volumes doesn't it? Let that soak in, amigos. What a powerful message. 

And that message is:

I. AM. INSANE.

See ya laters! Bye!

that time I went to a wedding

I went to a wedding last night! I hate weddings but this is one I've been waiting for for a long time.

My good buddy of about 8 years was single for as long as I knew him but during that time I knew he had a long time crush on a girl. After ten years of crushing and blushing he finally made his move and won her heart!

The event was a small 50s themed church wedding and it was so cute. The bride even requested the guests wear 50s attire. I'm not a 50s fan but you know I couldn't pass up a chance to dress up.

The bride was breathtaking. She's a porcelain beauty who was clearly born in the wrong era.

Her gorgeous dress was a handmade Etsy find.

And below is the grooooooom.

The pic below:

Years ago we all used to be in a band called Boxtree - I played bass by the way. It was a pretty mediocre indie-style band but we had fun doing what we did and towards the end, we started getting better, cleaner and tighter. Everyone moved off for school or just going with the flows of 20-something life changes so the band was over.

 Whenever we're all together in one place we call it a Boxtree reunion and threaten to play a show.

No, we're not actually going to do that. 

Nope.

We're posing for a photographer in front of us and we're missing two members in the pic here. I can't wait to see the pics he took of use giving serious looks though the alter candles. Perfect for an album cover.

The last time we all had a pic together was at my wedding reception five years ago.

It's funny seeing the difference just 5 years makes when you're young: weight gain, weight loss, eyesight gone bad, hair loss... but we're all still very awesome people.

And this is my husband eating a sparkler.

Wearing: Vintage Lane Bryant dress, cheap bolero from eBay, 60s gloves.

Side note: I gave my gloves to the bride. She said she liked them and wanted to wear gloves so I gave her mine. It was a sacrifice I was more than happy to make since we're too broke to give decent wedding presents!

  ▲ SEE YA! ▲

I've got a lot to do today so please forgive me if I don't make it around to your blog posts!!

Poe + Lenore = Nevermore

 Last night me and the husband dressed up as Edgar Allan Poe and his long lost Lenore for Halloween.

At first we had no reason to dress up because our church hosts a fall festival and costume wearing is just for the kids... lame. But the day of Halloween  I was like, um - no. To heck with your sqauresville party. I wanna dress up. I NEED to dress up!

IT'S HALLOWEEN!!

So I went in the closet, dumped out our costuming collection and BOOM... Poe and Lenore were born within minutes.

▲▲ Husband's costume ▲▲

 Shirt from Civil war reenacting days, vest from 70s 3-piece, sash from a polyester 80s dress, slacks and dress shoes.

▲▲ My costume ▲▲

 A vintage robe sewn close in the front (worn for a Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd costume years ago), the skirt from one of my renaissance gowns, crinoline over a hoop, mom's necklace from when I was a wee tot and one of husband's belts.

The husband's make up is white setting powder, black eyeliner, matte brown and black eyeshadow, and matte magenta blush. The Raven (I think is really a crow) came from K-mart. We attached the bird to the husband's shoulder with strong magnets.

Here are a few conversations we had at our church's fall festival with a few people. 

MAN: Hey everyone's been asking about you two. You're late. Where ya been?

ME: Getting dressed.

MAN: For what? Prom? You two sure are dressed up!

ME: (internally) It's $^$*!@# Halloween...

▲▲ Next Convo with another person ▲▲

LITTLE GIRL: You're wearing a big dress.

ME: I am.

LITTLE GIRL: Why are you wearing a big dress?

ME: It's Halloween.

LITTLE GIRL: ...

ME: I'm dressed up because it's Halloween.

LITTLE GIRL: ...

▲▲ Next Convo with another person ▲▲

MAN: So Caleb is Poe and you are...

ME: (proudly) Lenore!

MAN:...

▲▲ Next Convo with another person ▲▲

MAN: You two are really dressed up. You must be going somewhere after this.

ME: (Blurts out) Yeah, we're going somewhere where our costumes will be appreciated.

We left the fall festival after eating and went to the mall but all their festivities were over... so we went to a book store coffee shop to flaunt our freakishness together as a family.

THE END

▲ ▲ Did YOU dress up for Halloween this year? ▲▲