On Femininity.. last one {The Ballad of Mr. Snot Rocket}

2006?

If you're just tuning in, I've been whining about how I was dressed like a boy growing up and how it affected my life.

You can get caught up here: Part One, Part Two.

So I after two years of unsuccessful adulthood, terrible depression and a nervous breakdown, I moved back in with my mom. It was at that time I met the friend of a friend at a concert who was looking for a bassist for his band. The band consisted of 5 young hip white guys and very quickly I fit in and mushed into the group as just "one of the guys" again. I didn't really care since I wasn't attracted to any of them so it was no big deal to be seen this way.

2007?

BUT ONE DAY...

One of my band-mates blew a SNOT ROCKET in front of me. Do you know what that is?

That's where you hold down one nostril and blow snot from the other... not into a hanky or anything like that. But just right on the ground. It's something you just generally don't do in front of other people 

ESPECIALLY A LADY. 

I was absolutely mortified that a man would do that in front of me and I was certain that he would never ever do that in front of any other girl. But alas, I wasn't just any girl.

That's when I began to notice the girls in the other bands...

When we played shows I saw the other girls in little skirts, scarves, hip vintage cowboy boots, lacy things and jewelry. They were thin and willowy, wore makeup and had long messy curls in effortlessly beautiful I-don't-care hairstyles. I saw the way my band-mates and other guys looked at them and talked to them and I was crushed because I was so far from that.

These were the kind of girls with boyfriends. These were the kind of girls that were never confused as lesbians. These were the kind of girls you don't fart in front of.

I loved the way they looked and I desired nothing more than to be seen and treated like one of  them. I wanted to be skinny and frail and pretty because no decent gentlemen would ever blow a snot rocket in front of a girl like that, right? 

I had finally had enough of being just one of the guys. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and began working on becoming the woman that I wanted to be.

2008

I began to learn belly dance from several DVDs and danced 4 hours a day. I practically starved myself - sometimes eating nothing more than a cereal bar and flavored water. After 4 months I lost 40 pounds. I was incredibly confident and I felt beautiful.

Baby doll dresses, tights, purple eye shadow and cowboy boots became my daily uniform. I refused to wear jeans that weren't skinny and I felt so "in charge" of myself. 

I was finally getting noticed and respected.

Now mind you, I didn't change just so I could catch a man. I changed for ME and the guys came later. I even dun got meself a husband. A man that loves me no matter what I wear. A man I can drink beer with and be crude with but he'll never forget that I'm a lady.

Headless hipster baby doll dress me. 2008?

2009

So in a nutshell, one disgusting action motivated me to become the hip and elegant weirdo I've always desired to be. One snot-rocket later and I can't bring myself to wear jeans or a tee shirt in public. I don't want to see a man spit in front of me and I cringe when someone refers to me as dude or bro.

I'm not a dude and I'm definitely not your bro.

I'm a lady and I've worked too hard to be referred to as anything that suggests otherwise.

This is the story of Hollie.

{Thank you Mr. Snot Rocket.}

2010,  Me and my former band-mates at my wedding reception.