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Monday, August 22, 2016

On femininity... part two

Ah, let's see. Where was I?
So in my last post I revealed how I was dressed like a boy growing up and how it affected my life. You can get caught up HERE on that. I ended my last post to continue at a part in my life that needed to come in a later post. So this might be part 2/3 or 2/45. We'll see.

I know some of you were confused in my last post wondering why I didn't just buy my own clothes. When I was younger my parents were very, very dominant I didn't have much a say in anything I did.  Mom's word was law and I was kind of afraid of her. By the time I had money to buy my own clothing, I just simply didn't understand how to dress like a "proper girl".


During high school I still dressed like a boy but I'll never forget one day I managed to scrounge up a head-turning outfit. I wore a tight long sleeved shirt that had a geisha and cherry blossoms printed on it, my mom's  navy blue suede mini skirt, fishnet stockings and knee high platform boots. That day in English class, my crush of several years noticed me and wouldn't leave my side. I was elated. But lo and behold, I would never be able to pull together another outfit like that again so bye-bye attention. But really, if he didn't like me for who I was in men's jeans, then he didn't deserve me in a suede mini-skirt. So whatever, dude.

At my senior prom I made my friend's moms cry with my Cinderella-esque transformation. My mother was pleased with her masterpiece and so was I. After that, my mom was a little more into my appearance, encouraging me to look more presentable - like how she made me look for prom. Pretty confusing, huh?
(By the way prom is dumb but you should let your daughter's go so they can be a princess for a day. They might never get the chance to look and feel that beautiful ever again!)

After my first year of college I moved out of town with a couple of my friends. As soon as I stepped foot in our new apartment, my depression began to spiral completely out of control. I was so, so very lonely and all I wanted was to experience being in love for the first time. But thanks to my roommates being prettier (and looser) than me, any guy that I had a glimmer of hope with was quickly distracted by the other girls or just plain taken away. The guys wanted to be my friends, watch funny movies, hang out, fart and do fun guy things... but never, ever , ever was I seen as someone worthy of a good wooing.
Well there was that one guy, but desperation and alcohol were involved.

A real shot to the heart was when I joined a dating website. I uploaded photos of me and my roommate being silly and a guy messaged me: "Your roommate is hot. What's her name?"

My loneliness and depression began to show. I was often unemployed, didn't take care of myself and wore the same jeans and plain white tee shirt over and over. I even started questioning my own sexuality. Maybe I am gay? Maybe I just don't have what it takes to attract a guy because I'm a big lez?
Nope. I lika-tha dudes.

On my good days, I did my best to dress up. With what little money I had, I would go shopping and hit up the ladies section and tried my darnedest to be pretty. And I was! I knew I was. I even got approached by a lady to model Avon makeup for her portfolio. I had makeup and skirts and it felt good to look this way but my masculinity was just too overpowering and no matter what I did or how I dressed, I was still seen as just one of the guys.

Stay tuned for part 3, maybe the last of these "On femininity" posts.

Part Three: The Girls in the Other Bands

Featuring: the great transformation of 2006.

Oooh the suspense! 


  1. How interesting! Looking forward to part three.

  2. Loved this and the photos to back up the story.
    How rude was that man on the dating site? I hope he's still single. xxx

  3. Oooooo....Hollie, as I stated before, this is really quite a read and looking forward to reading what happens next. You're such a tease with those pics! :P

  4. These candid posts are really interesting. Your prom outfit is amazing. I have an idea that we should have adult proms to allow everyone who didn't have a good teenage prom to try again. (Like me!)

  5. My wardrobe when I was in my 20s was a hot mess. I think as we become comfortable in our skin and identity, our clothing choices reflect that.

  6. You're gorgeous Hollie and I'm so glad you could get over your mother's imposed boy-training to become who you really are. Clearly, it was not easy - sorry to read of it. But all this kind of thing makes for great reading in your memoirs. I look forward to the next part!

  7. Your journey is so interesting. And you've survived quite beautifully. I mean, look at you, the most amazing gypsy dancer evah!!

  8. It's interesting to read the continuation of the story, and I love seeing your old photos! I'm looking forward to reading the next part, and also am curious how you think you'll be with Cedar as she grows up.

  9. I love this story! You were gorgeous then, gorgeous now. You look amazing in the Cinderella prom dress! I've gone on-and-off with dressing feminine or lazy depending on my laziness or mood, being raised with two older brothers, I was definitely the feminine/tomboy like you! Weirdly, my mom forced me to dress sexy!

  10. How beautiful do you look on your prom dress! We never had proms when I was at school, thankfully, I would have likely had a Carrie episode x


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