on femininity... part one

"What? You wanna do sumfin about it? Come at me, bro!"

Here's a fun and disturbing bit of Hollie history for you:

When I was young, my mom dressed me like a boy.

Yup. From the time I was a wee tot until I was in high school.

This isn't a joke.

I've been wanting to blog about this topic for a while to kind of explain my disdain for pants, tee shirts and baseball caps. I think I've mentioned it to a couple of bloggers in comments before - but never a full post. To spare you having to read an entire novel, I'll break this up into a few parts.

Me receiving my first bass for my 16th birthday, dressed in a men's undershirt and wide-leg goth pants. An extra large men's bowling shirt usually accompanied this outfit.

So anywho, my mother said she dressed me in boys clothing because I was a terrible tomboy and she was tired of me ruining my clothes, so she dressed me daily in something more durable.

Yes, I was very very much a tomboy but I was the girliest tomboy you could ever meet.

I played with my barbies and all that good stuff but I also climbed trees, played in the mud, caught bugs, rode a three-wheeler, swam in a dirty pond, happily slopped the hogs, practiced whip-cracking and shot birds with my BB gun (I'm not proud of that last one. That's just something country kids do).

I would have done all that and more in an a formal gown, tiara and heels if my mother allowed it.

When my mother was away I would go in her massive walk-in closet and try on her fancy clothes and jewelry, play in her makeup and perfumes just so I could see what it was like to feel and look like a lady.

At school, no boys liked me and there was rumor that I was a lesbian.

It was a rather safe assumption for them to make considering my super close best friend at the time was a bi-sexual goth who dressed in over-sized tee shirts and jeans and with me looking the way I did - I can totally see how people thought I was gay.

But this hurt me so much. I wanted a boyfriend so bad - I was absolutely loco for boys. I was the kind of girl that would fall completely in love with any boy who gave me a smile.

But since they thought I was gay AND I dressed like a boy... welp, no boyfriends for me and barely a shred of attention from any crush I had. There were a couple mini high-school romances but nothing that went beyond holding hands outside after lunch.

The crazy thing is, I wasn't even aware that I looked, dressed and acted like a boy.

It had become a part of my identity and I didn't know how to be anything or anyone else.

When I would stay with my father and sister for the weekend, they would take me shopping and buy me boys clothes too. My sister was a hip high-schooler and dressing like a boy in baggy clothes was the cool thing for black girls to at her school (circa late 90s) . They would make sure their hair was perfect, nails and makeup done but wore basketball jerseys and even men's boxer shorts under their saggy jeans.

My sister would dress me like this so I could look presentable and fit in when she took me to hang out with her friends. I still looked like a boy and hated what I was wearing but at least I looked "cool". My sister and dad preferred a more polished gentlemen's look though, so I was dressed in the most fashionable Bugle Boy polo shirts, Dockers khakis and the finest high-top Reebok basketball shoes money could buy for a 13 year old girl.

Stay tuned for part 2: Just one of the guys