THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY
(Well, anything is true if you believe hard enough... no it's not... yes it is... not.)
Yesterday we all went out to a restaurant that sells exotic burgers. On the menu were burgers made of copperhead, sparrow, politician, sea cucumber and lemur just to name a few.
I went the safe route and chose the "Tears of an Misguided Teenager" burger and boy was is delicious. Tasted an awful lot like mushroom Swiss but I've had a cold so everything taste a little odd these days.
While at the restaurant I slipped on a puddle of urine left there by the head chef as a gesture of goodwill and friendship. I fell and landed on a five inch spike that went right through my ear lobe. It left the most beautiful hole - like the one in my soul - and so I adorned it with various metals from the motherland.
During our meal my husband told me about the tours customers can take of the kitchen. Boy, did this excite me. Back in the kitchen we were shown their amazing selection of meats and treats. My son was hellbent on eating a fresh guinea pig so he reached his chubby little hand into the cage, picked out a nice fluffy one and ate him whole. Fur and all.
This morning as we got ready for our morning confession rituals and virgin sacrifice I decided to wear the same outfit from the day before which was a terrible idea considering I haven't bathed in a week - but hey, everyone loves the smell of their own brand, right?
I went blind during this photo session but I'm ok now. My eyes grew back.
And then I killed a gypsy witch and stole her boots.
Yesterday we went to Smash Burger and then to PetSmart to look at stuff because we were all dressed up with nowhere to go. We were supposed to go to our town's second attempt at an Oktoberfest (rescheduled to November due to storms) but we discovered they decided to charge admission at the last minute. That means we would have to pay $30 to go to in to spend money. Admission was never mentioned on any advertising, Facebook, flyers, articles, nothing. I know because I helped promote it! As an event planner, I'm gonna tell you that that's rubbish and baaaaad business.
My aunt recently handed down to me a butt load of clothes and sweet boots, including these beaded metallic beauties and the studded ones above.
And with all that being said, it was actually easier to make up a story than it was to tell the truth.
That speaks volumes doesn't it? Let that soak in, amigos. What a powerful message.
And that message is:
I. AM. INSANE.
See ya laters! Bye!