THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY
(Well, anything is true if you believe hard enough... no it's not... yes it is... not.)
Yesterday we all went out to a restaurant that sells exotic burgers. On the menu were burgers made of copperhead, sparrow, politician, sea cucumber and lemur just to name a few.
I went the safe route and chose the "Tears of an Misguided Teenager" burger and boy was is delicious. Tasted an awful lot like mushroom Swiss but I've had a cold so everything taste a little odd these days.
While at the restaurant I slipped on a puddle of urine left there by the head chef as a gesture of goodwill and friendship. I fell and landed on a five inch spike that went right through my ear lobe. It left the most beautiful hole - like the one in my soul - and so I adorned it with various metals from the motherland.
During our meal my husband told me about the tours customers can take of the kitchen. Boy, did this excite me. Back in the kitchen we were shown their amazing selection of meats and treats. My son was hellbent on eating a fresh guinea pig so he reached his chubby little hand into the cage, picked out a nice fluffy one and ate him whole. Fur and all.
This morning as we got ready for our morning confession rituals and virgin sacrifice I decided to wear the same outfit from the day before which was a terrible idea considering I haven't bathed in a week - but hey, everyone loves the smell of their own brand, right?
I went blind during this photo session but I'm ok now. My eyes grew back.
And then I killed a gypsy witch and stole her boots.
REAL STORY
Yesterday we went to Smash Burger and then to PetSmart to look at stuff because we were all dressed up with nowhere to go. We were supposed to go to our town's second attempt at an Oktoberfest (rescheduled to November due to storms) but we discovered they decided to charge admission at the last minute. That means we would have to pay $30 to go to in to spend money. Admission was never mentioned on any advertising, Facebook, flyers, articles, nothing. I know because I helped promote it! As an event planner, I'm gonna tell you that that's rubbish and baaaaad business.
Moving on
My aunt recently handed down to me a butt load of clothes and sweet boots, including these beaded metallic beauties and the studded ones above.
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And with all that being said, it was actually easier to make up a story than it was to tell the truth.
That speaks volumes doesn't it? Let that soak in, amigos. What a powerful message.
And that message is:
I. AM. INSANE.
See ya laters! Bye!
You're either crazy or funny. My money's on the latter.
ReplyDeleteI might just have to come by your house late at night and steal those freakin' awesome boots!!! GAH!!! Why don't I have an aunt like that?
ReplyDeleteI liked your story. Especially the part about the tears of a misguided teenager. I think we've all eaten that burger more than once.
I hate it when they charge admission to spend money.
bisous
Suzanne
Great boots - yay for awesome free clothes!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine a politician burger would taste very good. They're too full of crap.
Those boots are insane! x
ReplyDeleteYou live the wild life, Holly!
ReplyDeleteHoly Crap, those BOOTS!
Boots, want more boots.
ReplyDeleteSaw a Smash Burger in Tally and wonder if it was any good (and had something besides beef). $30! That's insane.
Idk how I fell for the whole "slipping on water and falling on a spike" thing when I had just read that you were making up stories LOL.
ReplyDeleteI was like "whaaaa!?"
I kinda like the made-up story better, and I'd believe anything about Texarkana. Also, I've eaten sea cucumber (and rattlesnake) so I believed that part. What's true is you're looking mighty regal with your hair and gypsy boots and flowing lovely dress and green eye shadow - Queen of the Texas Cantons!
ReplyDeleteSane is boring! And whew...thank God your eyes grew back. Better to see those yummy guinea pigs....bwahaha!
ReplyDeleteOh my. You really had me going. I mean, I grew up in Montana where they serve Rocky Mountain Oysters (cow balls) and scrambled eggs with brains so it all made sense to me. Especially the slipping in pee part. I was totally with you and so impressed at your ingenuity to turn an accident into a fashion statement. Gosh. I wish I had had a mom like you when I was growing up. You are more sane than you know.
ReplyDeleteApple cider love it :)
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