It's past 2am and I'm lounging on the couch in naught but my skivvies fanning myself vigorously with a Christmas card. I just got out of a long, warm, peppermint scented bath and now I'm miserably hot. I can't cool down and I can't turn the heat off in the trailer for fear my sleeping husband will freeze to death in a matter of minutes. I'm wide awake, boiling hot and my mind is racing.
I can't stop thinking about a conversation I had with my mother over the phone earlier.
I called her to let her know that I don't want anyone at the birthing center while I'm in labor except for me and my husband until after the baby is born. She claimed she was ok with this, but I could tell that she wasn't.
The birthing center is made from a small two bedroom house and I will have the place all to myself during labor and delivery. I will be able to roam around naked if I wish and have the baby in the kitchen if I so desire- total freedom - but for me this would require some serious privacy.
My mother is not familiar with natural births and she was a bit reluctant to accept my decision to have a natural birth at a birthing center. It didn't sound safe to her and I know she still worries about it a little. I'm afraid that if I allow her to attend the birth, she'll become afraid for me and try to convince me to go to the hospital for drugs whilst pestering me with her old wives tales and out of date medical knowledge about labor birth.
Her knowledge of natural birth and birthing methods is very poor and she hasn't done much to educate herself on the matter. I would love for her to witness a natural birth for the first time but only under the condition she stays out of the way and observe quietly.
And my mother-in-law? Should she be there? Well, she had 4 home births and one hospital birth so she's no stranger to giving birth the natural way... but... I don't know her well enough to feel comfortable with her watching me give birth with my bare bottom up in the air, bleeding and sweating and grunting like a stuck pig.
To me, birth is very intimate and I'm already a very private person so to have the mothers there would be a great violation of my privacy. If I could truly have things my way, it would only be me, ONE midwife and my husband there.
Now to spare her feelings, I feel obligated to let my mother attend the birth... and I feel that if I allow her to come then it would only be fair to let my mother-in-law come as well...
My heart is telling me that this is the best and most peaceful way to go about it (having both the mothers attend the birth) but I'm so afraid that having them there is going to result in a very unhappy me.